shaken but unconquered

in the past few weeks, i’ve been spiritually and emotionally and physically challenged. for a while, i lost the beautiful positive spirit i had at the beginning of the year.
there was a moment when i thought that i would lose courage. that i would want to turn my back on the world. retreat never to re-emerged.
yet somewhere in me that little light refuses to die. i feel it flickering even now as i type this blog. i don’t know what kind of stuff i’m make off but it sure is strong stuff. i see this stuff even in my mother. i see this stuff in people out all over the this embattled nation that refuse to bow down and bow out…
i have been trying to take a retreat. to just break away from life a little bit so that i can collect myself. but the timing is just never right. but i’m finding solace in feminist readings online. i thinking deeply about the challenges i’m facing and finding new ways of being…
in odd places like the film Invictus that’s on tv, in the background. an enchantment happens as the film comes to the end i hear:

i thank whatever gods may be/ for my unconquerable soul/ i am the master of my fate:/ i am the captain of my soul.”

it strikes a cord. it’s in harmony with what i’m writing and the me i’m constantly dreaming of. so i google it… and learn that invuctus (latin for unconquered) is a poem by William Ernest Henley written in 1875: i’m brought to tears as i read the powerful verse.

Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds and shall find me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.
~ William Ernest Henley

i find myself in it and i know that the universe, my ancestors, will not let me sink into the black hole. my whole body has started to shake and i’m letting my tears wash me down…

my heart is pounding.
this is how i know my axis is shifting. a brand new day is dawning. i’m learning that i can not cave in. it’s not in my nature and the universe has better plans for me.
sho’t left*! i’m getting off the woe taxi.

[sho’t left – short left – is a South Africanism used to indicated to the taxi driver that you’re getting off at the next left street corner]

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