i have lost my mind.
april came and went with my senses.
see before, i was withdrawn. have always lived in my head but now i’ve taken leave of my mind. and can i blame it solely on a man from over the sea known as Mos Def?
hear me when i say: do not combine a long train trip with Eckhart Tolle’s “A New Earth”, the music of Mos Def, the live experience of Mos Def and a bunch of girls that are just as crazy about the artist as you are; as well as Gwydion’s aunt Lizzy, Gwydion’s exuberance and the sea!
dangerous combination, i say *with index finger jabbing the sky*.
i think i have assimilated everyone else’s madness and taken it to a level reserved for nutcases. in the process i’ve lost my use of the capital letter and decided that it no longer served my purposes (whatever they are, go figure). i’ve taken the love for a piece/peace higher and allowed myself to swoon at high-heeled shoes [never used to like those painful contractions, even wrote a poem about it].
i’ve been marked, changed, body snatched or something. i’m starting to think i shouldn’t let my nephew move in with me because the poor boy may just be scarred for life when he learns just how much of a loon his mam’ncane (aunt) has become.
ok, i am stirring myself into a panic but what is this called?
for the first time, i followed my instinct and gladly moved up and down the country to follow a musician (talk about groupie!) and i will gladly do this again and again. this was a mission and it was fulfilled. I admit to openly perving, letting my senses cavort and not think anything of it. i shoot straight from the hip but am still prudent and deliberate. my vision seems to be clearing and things/people don’t seem so big anymore.
i know that a door opened up which has allowed me to be more at ease, more interested, less self-conscious (there’s a ways to go on this one), and more in love. it’s as if i grew up in a week.
my muse poetica, which had abandoned me years ago (nx!), returned and let the poetry flow out of me. now there’s a certain ease with words that, slowly, the self-doubt and self-imposed inertia is leaving me. now writing poetry has become as easy as breathing again. there is space around me and i love it. this, i want to keep. every once in a while i revert to old ways but the new me, with my sidekicks the muse and mojo, are keeping an eye on that.
this state that I’m in has, however, arrested my mojo. my mojo plays in a sandbox day in and day out waiting to be let out. i guess, fighting this (this is me) is really counterproductive and what i should be doing is embracing me and not be afraid to let the cuckoo me out. how’s the world going to handle me (warts, tinfoil helmet and all)? i don’t know? and my mojo seeks the world, it seeks the sunshine.
i’m in love with a fantasy and i worry that this fantasy is going to close out reality. see, while i have come out of my cave, i have also retreated further in. the type of work i do has not made it any easier to be out in the world where real people are. and so here in my urban cave (i urban hermit), i have burrowed further into this one love of a fantasy and painted a big UNAVAILABLE sign on my forehead. i want to take that love outside and let the sun shine on it.
before i was a [Mos Def] fan and within a week, hundreds of rands later and two shows later i became a lover, a disciple and follower. an immense respect took over and here i am ready to name my first car* and future sons after him (LOL!). ok, i might just ask the men in white to come get me! with this respect, i’ve taken him off of the pedestal and thrown out the rose tinted sunglasses and started to look at him as a human being as fallible as i and more dedicated to his craft than i. an inspiration, the best at what he does and certainly capable of being a better man than he is. so, yes, i’m not really trying to get over Mos Def, just trying to put away the awe and save it for my next epiphany.
my passions have been reignited and taken on a different form.
now, as i’ve learnt from Ms. Holiday – all i gotta do is stay black and die.
as i learnt from Ms. Angelou i can go forth and do what i gotta do.
as i learnt from Madea and Angela (why did i get married) – i will mop the floor with you and then let the peace be still if you test me.
i have learnt from Sheila (why did i get married?) not ever to put boundaries around myself.
i’ve learnt from my friends to laugh out loud, let my fantasies live and curb them when necessary (without curbing me), to be honest when in a funky mood (though the best i can do for now is just walk away), be ready to bust out my pepper spray when a punk decides to get fresh with my girls. to laugh out loud when all alone as i do when with people. i’ve also learnt to choose my battles as i choose my responses – i have yet to perfect that because well i too am excitable and in this state of mind i’m closer to loose cannon than i am to ‘calm as a buddah cow. i’m slowly finding ways to return to being a creative activist more than an arm chair activist.
and yes, i’m embracing my madness and at times i do think i should cash in my citizenship and move to bed-stuy, brooklyn!
*i did, after all, name my car after Mos Def – Lil’ Flaco.
after reading this, i’m excited about the fact that it echoes where i am right now in my headspace. this reminds me of what i know deep inside. i cherish this experience for life. it’s good to just let your inhibitions down and chase after a superstar around the country with your girls… plotting the next groupie road trip.