soapbox rant: the Stiletto Killer chronicles

i love soaps, oh yes i do.

the good, the bad, the ugly, the horrifyingly terrible. yes, i do. 

there was a time that i watched all of them, all the time. all of them, except the american ones. i haven’t watched the bold since Brooke agreed to marry Ridge for the fourth time or was it their sixth or seventh marriage? i don’t know all i know is that there was a black character. a black character in the bold? *claps hand in disbelief* and the incest partner-swapping had crossed into the third generation. i said enough! and then there’s days of our lives – well i kant even remember what was happening the last time i watched. i said enough!

the good, the bad, the ugly, the horrifyingly terrible. soaps are the one form of TV that everybody loves to hate. most men won’t admit that they watch and the conscious pseudo-intellectual often profess not watching. but both groups, like me, will tell about that last time Karabo lost her baby and went crazy or about the time Alexa and Kristle fought in the lily pond

well that’s not why i’m ranting today. today, i want to tell you about a character i wish i had the power to insinuate into every single soap. as and when i feel like it. this character would just appear for a scene, a short no-dialogue scene. you would never know that this character is coming. it would be a surprise. a pleasant surprise. a shock. a vindicating shock. and this character would make my soap viewing something to look forward to.

the character: the Stiletto Killer!

she (or he – witness accounts are conflicting) strikes in that very moment when that character you hate the most threatens to turn you off of your favourite soap. she (or he – witness accounts are conflicting) will take out that annoying character – kill, eliminate, remove! mhm. and the weapon of choice: 15 inch stilettos with a sharp point. beware of the heels.

the Stiletto Killer has a hitlist. it’s short but it will get longer, i tell ya. it will get longer! gemerations* characters rank quite high at the moment. in fact, the Stiletto Killer wants to start her (or his) work there.

  1. i love Gatsha – the last time gemerations inflicted a white female character on us, it was Anne. she was so annoying with that nasally voice but she had started out well. devious and evil and crazy but then after a while it became clear they didn’t know what to do with Anne anymore. even her attempts at uttering isiZulu didn’t move the character up. so they wrote her out – death by a writer’s pen (MWAHAHAHA!). so why oh why does gemerations feel the need to write in another annoying fake and bake (she bakes) grinning white girl. ag, *grudge voice* Gatsha must dieeeeeee!
  2. Khaphela – he used to be the nice, silent, dependable, honourable bodyguard/butler/maid/eyes and ears of Tau. then he became the sweet unluck-in-love silent dependable man. oh but soon the conservative manbull emerged. he’s everything hateful now except it’s not obviously because he still has that noble air about thim. so it’s easy to be fooled into thinking that his traditionalist ways are not hateful.
  3. Dumisani – he’s just evil without a cause, Khethiwe just didn’t stab him right. he’s the abuser for whom we must now feel sorry because he’s gone to group councilling, mncm (maybe i’m just a cynic but people don’t change just like that). he should be dead already.
  4. Queen – Stiletto Killler will be sad to do this one but reckons it’s a mercy killing. this character has been stuck in ditz-land for too long.

the Stiletto Killer’s list, grows everyday. beware oh, soapy, i’m watching you!

a soapbox is a raised platform on which one stands to make an impromptu speech, often about a political subject. The term originates from the days when speakers would elevate themselves by standing on a wooden crate originally used for shipment of soap or other dry goods from a manufacturer to a retail store. (wikipedia)

this soapbox rant will mainly be about my love and hate for soap operas – the good, the bad, the ugly and horrifyingly terrible – but may extend to other tv viewing. as a rant, it’s pure opinion which may change in the future and is all in good fun and not as serious as it sounds. so relax, as an industry insider i know how hard it is, i understand the variables – we are hardest on that which we love most. m!

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